MY STORY...
Wow, so much has went on in my life that I'm clueless as where exactly to start. I grew up in a small rural community, where I still reside. My parents, well...they tried. But as an adult, I've come to realize that sometimes you act a way you don't really want to act, and that sometimes trying is all you can do. They weren't bad parents, I'm definitely not saying that. More like they were unprepared parents. As was I. It's something easily done, and in this day and age, it's beyond common practice. They were young. Again, as was I.
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up. My great grandmother was the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for, and remains to this day my ultimate hero. She has never made me feel judged or looked down upon, no matter what stupid things I've done. My other grandmother (my dad's mom)...well, truth be told, she's sort of a nutcase. She has always had my best interests at heart, but in a very suffocating, over-bearing kind of way. If it wasn't for her, my mother probably never would of made it through raising my sister and I. She sort of picked up my Dad's slack. At any function we were in as children...school plays, dance recitals, etc...it was very rarely my mom and dad...and almost always my mom and grandma. But she definately makes you stand back and wonder if dealing with her is worth the support and companionship.
One thing that I can say for her is this...growing up, she made sure that my sister and I were exposed to the greatness of God. Every Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday night...VBS, Youth Group, all these...you'd see me there. And I loved it. However, then it happened. The teenage rebellion. Growing up in government housing, going to public schools, watching unsupervised television, and having parents that weren't the slightest bit interested in going to church or knowing the Lord it was bound to happen. There was nothing there stopping me. So, I met this guy...need I say more?
I will anyways. I met this guy, and along came Riley. By this time, I had already quit going to church, just about quit going to school, and was heading down a very very wrong track with very very unGodly people. I shut down from the world, and fell into Wicca. The perfect religion for a single teenage mother. No such thing as sin...awesome, right? Wicca followed one basic principle, harm none. So, as long as you weren't hurting yourself or others, you were free to do what you wanted. While that's simple in theory, and on occasion seemed to work, something just wasn't right. I was still miserable. So, how did I fill the void...well, I met this guy...again, need I say more?
Only thing was, the people I hung with before were saints compared to this group. And once I got in, there was no getting out. On the surface it would have seemed like a normal relationship. But behind closed doors, there was nothing normal about it. By the time I could finally get out of this relationship...and I had to call the cops and move in order to do so...I had suffered a broken nose, a broken hand and many many bruises, even while I was pregnant. Oh, and did I mention that? Baby number two came from this wonderful relationship. Baby number 2 is the only thing that I do not regret from this relationship. Every thing else was awful...I was completely 'banned' from my family, and suffered so much emotional abuse, that I started to use drugs to ease it all. I lived every day completely controlled and tormented by another. Yes, there were times that I seemed happy...but it was mostly the drugs, the fact that I had practically brainwashed myself in order to endure it all, and later alcohol.
The alcohol was great...I didn't have to think about anything. And I didn't. I didn't think about the pain. I didn't think about the abuse. I didn't think about bills. I didn't think about my children. I thought about NOTHING! Then, still practicing Wicca and not following the Lord, I started to sleep with my then boyfriend's best friend. He deserved it right? After all, he'd cheated on me at least a hundred times in the two and a half years that we were together. And he threw me right at the feet of this guy...literally. This guy opened his door just as my boyfriend threw me so hard that I crashed into his BBQ grill and fell, right at his feet. It was a total fling, but this man gave me more courage than I'd ever known. And is what finally brought my boyfriend and I to an almost instant halt.
A few weeks later, I started dating the cook at the restaurant where I was waitressing. We'd been eyeing each other for quite a few months, and one day he asked if I'd like to go out, and I gave him my phone number and told him to call me. Our first date was Christmas Eve, 2007...we moved in together on January 8th...And I was pregnant with baby number 3 by the end of the month. Wow...quick, huh? But this relationship wasn't without it's own drama. After having my ex control almost my every move for so long, every time Joaquin tried to suggest something to me - like quitting my job so I could take care of the kids - I'd rebel. This caused TONS of fighting the first few months of our relationship...I even moved out once. Looking back, I can see that what I did was totally wrong. I'd never do it again. What made me change? A girl. Finding out that I was pregnant with a girl was a slap in the face. I didn't want a girl, and I had several justifiable reasons for it. And then, I started freaking out. What if my daughter turns out like me? What example do I want her to have? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY CHILDREN!?!
I've always wanted a big family and admire those that have them. So, it wasn't a surprise to anyone when I started to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 and 17 Kids & Counting on TLC. You know, the Dugger Family from Arkansas that have been on the Discovery Channel for years. Well, after watching and watching you can just see how genuinely happy these folks are. I got to asking myself, "Why do they get to be so happy while I feel like this?"...Because they have the Lord in their lives, that's why. So, I started to pray. I prayed and prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me and told him that I needed him. Well, things are getting better. I'm not expecting "Dugger-Bliss" quite yet, I still have a long walk with the Lord before I come to that place in my life, but things are looking up and I am developing quite a strong bond with God. And I know that the more devout I become, the more he's going to make his prescense known in my life and the happier I'm going to be. I am thrilled to have reconciled with the Lord. I am thrilled with the changes that He's made in my life thus far. I realized that living for the Lord is how I want my children raised. And, although there are still things that aren't right, we're working on them. And we trust that the Lord knows that we're working on them. The Lord is a God of love, not of damnation, so I have faith that he's proud of what I'm doing and who I am becoming.
So, this is my story as I learn to walk closer with the Lord and be a Proverbs 31 Woman. It's going to be a long journey, but with God, someday, I know I'll get there.
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up. My great grandmother was the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for, and remains to this day my ultimate hero. She has never made me feel judged or looked down upon, no matter what stupid things I've done. My other grandmother (my dad's mom)...well, truth be told, she's sort of a nutcase. She has always had my best interests at heart, but in a very suffocating, over-bearing kind of way. If it wasn't for her, my mother probably never would of made it through raising my sister and I. She sort of picked up my Dad's slack. At any function we were in as children...school plays, dance recitals, etc...it was very rarely my mom and dad...and almost always my mom and grandma. But she definately makes you stand back and wonder if dealing with her is worth the support and companionship.
One thing that I can say for her is this...growing up, she made sure that my sister and I were exposed to the greatness of God. Every Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday night...VBS, Youth Group, all these...you'd see me there. And I loved it. However, then it happened. The teenage rebellion. Growing up in government housing, going to public schools, watching unsupervised television, and having parents that weren't the slightest bit interested in going to church or knowing the Lord it was bound to happen. There was nothing there stopping me. So, I met this guy...need I say more?
I will anyways. I met this guy, and along came Riley. By this time, I had already quit going to church, just about quit going to school, and was heading down a very very wrong track with very very unGodly people. I shut down from the world, and fell into Wicca. The perfect religion for a single teenage mother. No such thing as sin...awesome, right? Wicca followed one basic principle, harm none. So, as long as you weren't hurting yourself or others, you were free to do what you wanted. While that's simple in theory, and on occasion seemed to work, something just wasn't right. I was still miserable. So, how did I fill the void...well, I met this guy...again, need I say more?
Only thing was, the people I hung with before were saints compared to this group. And once I got in, there was no getting out. On the surface it would have seemed like a normal relationship. But behind closed doors, there was nothing normal about it. By the time I could finally get out of this relationship...and I had to call the cops and move in order to do so...I had suffered a broken nose, a broken hand and many many bruises, even while I was pregnant. Oh, and did I mention that? Baby number two came from this wonderful relationship. Baby number 2 is the only thing that I do not regret from this relationship. Every thing else was awful...I was completely 'banned' from my family, and suffered so much emotional abuse, that I started to use drugs to ease it all. I lived every day completely controlled and tormented by another. Yes, there were times that I seemed happy...but it was mostly the drugs, the fact that I had practically brainwashed myself in order to endure it all, and later alcohol.
The alcohol was great...I didn't have to think about anything. And I didn't. I didn't think about the pain. I didn't think about the abuse. I didn't think about bills. I didn't think about my children. I thought about NOTHING! Then, still practicing Wicca and not following the Lord, I started to sleep with my then boyfriend's best friend. He deserved it right? After all, he'd cheated on me at least a hundred times in the two and a half years that we were together. And he threw me right at the feet of this guy...literally. This guy opened his door just as my boyfriend threw me so hard that I crashed into his BBQ grill and fell, right at his feet. It was a total fling, but this man gave me more courage than I'd ever known. And is what finally brought my boyfriend and I to an almost instant halt.
A few weeks later, I started dating the cook at the restaurant where I was waitressing. We'd been eyeing each other for quite a few months, and one day he asked if I'd like to go out, and I gave him my phone number and told him to call me. Our first date was Christmas Eve, 2007...we moved in together on January 8th...And I was pregnant with baby number 3 by the end of the month. Wow...quick, huh? But this relationship wasn't without it's own drama. After having my ex control almost my every move for so long, every time Joaquin tried to suggest something to me - like quitting my job so I could take care of the kids - I'd rebel. This caused TONS of fighting the first few months of our relationship...I even moved out once. Looking back, I can see that what I did was totally wrong. I'd never do it again. What made me change? A girl. Finding out that I was pregnant with a girl was a slap in the face. I didn't want a girl, and I had several justifiable reasons for it. And then, I started freaking out. What if my daughter turns out like me? What example do I want her to have? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY CHILDREN!?!
I've always wanted a big family and admire those that have them. So, it wasn't a surprise to anyone when I started to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 and 17 Kids & Counting on TLC. You know, the Dugger Family from Arkansas that have been on the Discovery Channel for years. Well, after watching and watching you can just see how genuinely happy these folks are. I got to asking myself, "Why do they get to be so happy while I feel like this?"...Because they have the Lord in their lives, that's why. So, I started to pray. I prayed and prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me and told him that I needed him. Well, things are getting better. I'm not expecting "Dugger-Bliss" quite yet, I still have a long walk with the Lord before I come to that place in my life, but things are looking up and I am developing quite a strong bond with God. And I know that the more devout I become, the more he's going to make his prescense known in my life and the happier I'm going to be. I am thrilled to have reconciled with the Lord. I am thrilled with the changes that He's made in my life thus far. I realized that living for the Lord is how I want my children raised. And, although there are still things that aren't right, we're working on them. And we trust that the Lord knows that we're working on them. The Lord is a God of love, not of damnation, so I have faith that he's proud of what I'm doing and who I am becoming.
So, this is my story as I learn to walk closer with the Lord and be a Proverbs 31 Woman. It's going to be a long journey, but with God, someday, I know I'll get there.
